Avoid Confusion in Crisis

More and more Baby Boomers are finding themselves making medical and financial decisions for their aging parents. These decisions often fall to one child, with other siblings out of the loop for reasons of distance, conflicting responsibilities, etc. But some families have a lot of leaders – or at least they have a lot of strong-willed adult children who have opinions on what a parent needs or doesn’t need in terms of long-term care.

Key Question: Who Is in Charge? For example, Dad enters a hospital in need of immediate hip surgery. Unfortunately, he has an allergic reaction to medications. He is hallucinating and incoherent. The doctors need to change his treatment, but they aren’t sure who in his family to turn to for a final decision. Dad’s four adult children disagree as to his treatment, and long-simmering sibling rivalries surface just at the time when Dad most needs his family to unify.

Remember, a family is not a democracy. In most families, managing by consensus just doesn’t work. There’s a reason why Dad or Mom was initially in charge. In a crisis, it often takes too long to get a consensus. Relatives that need to be present can’t be there or can’t be reached on the phone. Or worse, while the majority of adult children are in agreement, they allow a lone dissenter to hold veto power over their decision. Whether the issue is health or money, consensus-building usually won’t work in a time of crisis.

What are the types of tools that are critical? The most powerful assets in crisis situations are Dad’s or Mom’s written instructions and choice of leadership. I recommend that every adult has in place at least these two valuable tools: First, every adult should have a Durable Power of Attorney. This provides financial authority to allow a chosen family member to make financial decisions for Dad if he is incapacitated. Second, every adult should have a Health Care Power of Attorney and Living Will. The laws governing these documents vary somewhat from state to state, but the concept is the same: Someone is charged with making all health care decisions for Dad, including whether to withdraw artificial life support. These written instructions are critical for families. The clearer the instructions, the less speculation, controversy and anxiety await adult children in stepping into their parent’s decision-making position.